I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
