If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
