I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I want a musical about memes.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
