I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
