Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
