theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
