No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he shaved USA in his pubs
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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