You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
