My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
