I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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