I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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