forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
