can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize