Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
