I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
