Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
