Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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