The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
