home. puking in laundry basket.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize