dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
