I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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