A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
