it was like eating out sand paper
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
