Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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