You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
