He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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