I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just found a bag of teeth...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize