I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
