I'm so fucking centered right now
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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