My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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