I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
