I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
