Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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