i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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