Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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