my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
