Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
