No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
it's like iHOP with fire
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
