oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
