My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize