I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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