Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Alive.
So much puke
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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