im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
