yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
