i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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