I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you didnt know i had herpes?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize