i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
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