Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
