wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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