This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
