And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
