worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
