he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
COCAINE IS GR8
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
