Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
