i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
