If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
