tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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