Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
