This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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