Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
