Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize