I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
