My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
