My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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