when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
