i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
