Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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